On wanting and quitting...

A few months ago, I was due to have a life coaching session with Marthe Hagen, from www.thefreedomexperiment.com. I ended up cancelling the session for reasons I will not go into here (suffice to say that my trust and control issues got the better of me and that I really shouldn't pay for things in advance anymore as it gives me horrible anxiety). But I still get noticed in my inbox when she uploads a new post, and today I read The Art of Longing is the Art of Asking: What do I really want?

My favourite part from this post is this:

 I want to challenge the underlying belief that impulsive wants are not real wants and that short-lived dreams are not real dreams. And at the same time, the belief is very often that not finishing something is bad, bad, bad! Because we need to accomplish, accomplish, accomplish!

Again, this is not so true, is it?

In my experience, if we can free ourselves from these hard beliefs about ourselves and the world, we – the impulsive and multi-passionate – can live more rewarding lives. Remember, living passionately isn’t about achieving and finishing, it’s about the process of feeling and being passionate. And if you can live in your passion by jumping from interest to interest, dream to dream, goal to goal – without judging yourself for it – well, then you can live a very passionate life indeed.

I am a self confessed quitter. And not of smoking, drinking of binge watching Netflix. No, I quit pieces of art and craft work once the novelty wears off or it turns out my creative talent do not live up to my imagination. I also have a magic 3 class threshold, where I may sign up and pay in advance for a 10 week course of something (yoga, for example) and after 3 classes, my interest plummets and I don't want to go anymore. I know this about myself, yet I still have not foregone signing up for this type of class format occasionally. Often it is the only format available if I want to do anything at all.

And I shame and guilt myself into oblivion for what I consider this personality flaw. In the above passage, Marthe challenges the belief that there is something wrong with me because my motivations and passions do not stick.

I still love the idea of a finished project. But maybe I should re-evaluate what finished actually means. There is nothing wrong with a bit of discipline and follow through, if others are counting on me especially, but life is too short to torture ourselves with doing things we do not want to do anymore. As they often say when people pass away: celebrate their life, rather than mourn their death. I am going to try and celebrate that I had any inspiration and motivation at all instead of mourning when it goes away. Maybe in embracing my restlessness and lack of focus, I will find rest and focus.

Marthe reminded me to be pleased with who I am. And I am grateful for that. Quitter and proud!

Thank you for reading!

Forgettability

Despite priding myself on pretty serious nerd cred, I am not a big Doctor Who watcher. I have seen and loved a few episodes (Vincent and the Doctor is my favourite) but Sci-Fi, with it's space travel and aliens is rarely my thing. As such, I am not overly familiar with the concept of the Silence.
But Wikipedia is never wrong and confirmed what I thought I knew: that people immediately forget about a Silent once they turn their gaze away from them.

And I am starting to think I share that particular power with the Silence, apart from that their suggestions stick in people's minds, whereas mine do not. 

It would seem that I am forgettable. If I do not initiate contact with someone, there will be no contact. Even if I take the initiative, there may be not contact.

In the last while, I have experienced:

- Contacting charities asking for volunteers to offer them help, only to hear nothing back.

- Being promised to be sent a message and having to send out a reminder.

And this is only in the last week. For a very long time now, I have felt that I am at the bottom of people's list of things to remember and think about, if I am on the list at all. And I hate it. I hate that everything always has to come from me. It makes me feel desperate and like I am forcing myself on people. My concern is not that people dislike me, when I contact them, they are frequently up for hanging out. But I would love to be contacted every once in a while (I do not have a need or want to be hugely popular and in constant demand) and remembered. Especially when I have already taken the first step.

I often wonder if this is a common issue for a lot of people, a result of a self-centred society that relies on Facebook and Twitter to be reminded that other people exist too (I am not a big Facebook and Twitter user, maybe this is where I am going wrong) or that I am just a bland, boring person...or even that I give off the impression that I don't want to be contacted and that I prefer to initiate things myself. 

Perhaps I am considered so reliable and organised that people count on getting reminders from me. But that kind of complacency really pisses me off. The control freak in me really wants to know. 

I would love to hear from people if this happens to them too, maybe we all have something in common.

Thank you for reading (and remembering)!

Chicklit

After my vacation in September the motivation for the outfit challenge fizzled out rather tragically. No matter, I have something shiny and new to focus on and write about.

Since last Sunday, I own chickens! Ex-battery hens to be precise. They were facing slaughter at only 18 months of age as is normal with laying hens in factory/battery farms but an animal Rescue organisation stepped in and rescued and re-homed a whopping 7000 of them. So I now have 3 in my back garden.

Letting them out of the cat carrier and into the grass behind our house for their first steps into a more natural existence was a joy to behold. I (and my cat) could have watched them for hours, stepping and pecking.

Due to having spent their whole short lives so far in an A4 size cage with only sitting, eating, drinking, laying, pooping, and sleeping to make up their existence, anything else is utterly unfamiliar to them. That said, they did not show a fearful reaction to the cat except when she made a jump towards them. And I think their reaction scared her more than it did them.

Of course, with Winter Solstice/Yule less than a month away, the days are short. Dusk and darkness are also something the hens were yet unacquainted with but I must say they handled it well. They did need to be lifted into the hen house for the night and catching them is not easy as they are unused to human contract. It's the only time they have made noise that could be described as loud. At any other times they are either quiet or make cute, low clucking sounds.  Once you have a hold on them, they go quiet again, and it's not difficult to put them in the coop. Hopefully they will learn how to do this themselves eventually. Last night I only had to put two in, as one managed on her own.

They also required dusting with mite/lice spray and blue TMR hygiene spray to protect their bare skin from pecks and putting that on was definitely more than a two hand job. But hubby and I managed. And it is all worth it, because when I came home yesterday evening I found our first egg in the coop. I could not have been more proud and excited had I laid it myself.

The Outfit Challenge: Fangirl Chic

Despite staying at home with a headache today, Marijke and I went ahead with the outfit challenge, which today was Fangirl Chic as chosen by me. 

I already sent a quick pic of me in bed in my Game of Thrones House Stark t-shirt, Winter IS Coming after all. But I did get fully dressed later in the day, continuing along the same theme. 

It is a warm week here in Galway so an airy skirt was the perfect companion to my House Targaryen T-Shirt (detail shot below). I like that the colours are very autumnal, a perfect look for this time of year. 

No detail shot of hair and make-up this time as I went without war paint today. But as a bonus, here is a close-up of our new little kitten Merlin instead!

Thanks for reading!

The Gemstone Challenge

Yesterday, my challenge as set by Marijke was to by inspired by a (semi) precious stone. I love gemstones and do actually believe in the energies and qualities attributed to them.
Not that that made the challenge that much easier. I needed to really match the occasion of a day of basically just packing for my imminent house move, my clothes suitable to that and the stones I know.

I decided to go with Citrine. Pretty and yellow! A really sunny stone.

According to crystal-cure.com:

Citrine is a yellow-to-golden member of the quartz mineral group. A deep golden variety from Madiera Spain can resemble the costly imperial topaz gem stone, which is one reason that citrine is a popular birthstone alternative to those born in November.

Citrine has been called the "stone of the mind". Ancient cultures believed that placing a citrine on the forehead of an elder would increase his psychic power.

Citrine is known as the lucky "Merchants Stone". If you are in any type of sales, just put a citrine in the cash drawer and watch what happens. Also used by healers to:

• increase self esteem
• protect from the negative energy from someone else's abuse
• open the mind to new thoughts
• promote clarity of thought

Interesting stuff. I think so anyway. 

So now over to my outfit of the day.

Basically anything below the waist can be ignored as it's only jeans. And this picture makes my bum and thighs look huge.

And the usual closeup. I am wearing a light yellow shimmery eyeshadow and mascara. It's not really visible. Unfortunately I don't actually own any citrine jewellery so no cool accessories apart from my headscarf.

I really like this theme and I would have done more with it under different circumstances. Now I need to think about the theme for this week and then we will probably take a break as I am going to Barcelonaaaaa! (And South of France and Italy)

Unleashing my inner goddess

And it's not a Fifty Shades of Grey thing. I haven't even read those books.

Rather it is this week's outfit challenge, thought up by me for myself and Marijke.

In other words, choose a god or goddess and allow him or hew to inspire you.

Marijke chose Athena (visit her blog!) and I chose the Morrighan. She is from pre-christian Celtic mythology. Wikipedia states that "The Morrígan is a goddess of battle, strife, and sovereignty. She sometimes appears in the form of a crow, flying above the warriors.".

Sounds pretty badass, right?

So here's what I made of it (I cropped out my head as it just looked weird in the photo):
                                       
My black skirt from last Sunday is making a reappearance along with a black top in the gothic style that has a lot of pointy bits that could totally be feathers. You can't see it too well in the photo so click here to see it in green.

Make-up is a smoky eye with lots of black and purple and dark red nails. Lacy black scarf to keep my unruly hair in one place and to top it all off: my necklace with the silver raven skull pendant to get it that extra Morrighany edge.

I was a bit apprehensive wearing this into work as the water outfit with dark green eye make-up got a lot of attention but either this is more toned down somehow or I look to scary to invite comments. Either way, I had the guts to walk into work with it without toning it down. Yay me!

Thank you for reading!

Sunday Outfit Challenge: The Casual Romantic

Today started out fantastic weather-wise. I got up to pick blackberries and just get some general exercise and Vit-D. 

This little guy sang me a song this morning!

So onto my outfit. Marijke chose "The Casual Romantic". I definitely consider this a challenge as my dress sense is not overly girly. My main plan for the day was visiting a craft and vintage market in town with a friend so the outfit had to be suitable for that too. 

I think I was pretty successful as per below. The top (which has embroidered flowers that are not very visible in this photo) is vintage and bought from Etsy and the headscarf comes from another vintage market in town. The skirt is GAP, bought from someone on E-Bay. Shoes are just plain old Tom's. 

Here is a closeup of hair and make-up. The hair is actually so easy to do (learned how on Pinterest) and looks really fancy and romantic. I did some nice purple shadow on my eyes and a pink lip and blush. Cute, right?

A lovely outfit for a lovely day. I helped a friend find stuff for a costume party and found Marijke a T-Shirt I really wanted so I am well pleased!

Our next weekday challenge will be completely different: we will unleash our inner assassin! SWYF powerrrr! ;-)

Thanks for reading!

The Outfit Challenge, Round 3.

Hello all!

Day 3 of the outfit challenge! The choice was up to yous truly again this time and I decided on finding inspiration in one of the 4 elements. My friend chose Earth and I chose Water!
So here's the outfit against the very sexy backdrop of the bathroom at work. The skirt is a dark blue linen one, calf length from Fat Face. I am wearing blue Tom's as well. The top is H&M and the scarf is of no particular brand, just a silk scarf from my growing collection. You can't really see it but the top and the scarf both have a very watery feel due to patterns and little light reflecting sequins on the fabric.

For make-up I chose a basic smokey eye in dark green with a lip gloss. Darker than I usually wear so it gave my colleagues a bit of a start.

I am enjoying the challenge. This was a fun outfit to wear and this challenge is a reason to experiment, with my clothes as well as my make-up. And it gives me a reason to blog! 

Thank you for reading!

Outfit Challenge, Round 2

Chirp, chirp! My friend at http://ethelandilearntosew.wordpress.com chose today's theme which was to be inspired by a bird. So today I picked my brain and my closet for options. I settled on a relatively simple outfit, suited for the easy going-ness of Sunday, inspired by...

The English Robin!

I don't have much in brown in my collection so I just replaced with black. Here I am (photoshopped the messy balcony background away :-P)! The hair is not looking the best as it was still wet from showering. I did take the opportunity to do my eye make-up to match the outfit. 

My turn to come up with round 3. Time for the thinking cap!

The Outfit Challenge, Day 1

So, as promised in my previous post. Here is the first result of the outfit challenge. I got to pick the first theme, which I decided was "subtle cosplay." I decided to cosplay Tara from Bufy the Vampire Slayer. Although it's more an outfit inspired by...than a cosplay. But that's okay. So in below photo, I am on the left and Amber Benson as Tara is on the right. Please excuse my terrible posture, it was early.

Make ALL the changes, do ALL the challenges!

Long post ahead!

A few weeks ago I finally accepted that I am not able to solve my problems on my own and saw a doctor about it.

If I was to label my problems, I guess mild depression or dysthymia would be appropriate. Basically, since about October 2012, I have been sinking. I started taking less joy in things, became less tolerant of people's mistakes and pushed them away and/or withdrew from social situations as a result, including terminating my Facebook page. I do not regret that last one as I continue to read more and more about how manipulative Facebook really is as a social media site but it has made me realise how reliant people have become on it. If you don't shove profile pictures and status updates down your 300+ friends' throats, you get forgotten about. And that is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. Forgotten, ignored, passed over. To avoid feeling like that, I withdraw, I alienate myself to give myself a sense of control. Reaching out to people to me reads as desperately begging for the attention of people who have no interest in me.  Fortunately for me, I do have support in the form of a husband and some REAL friends so I am not always the social pariah.

They say your outlook on life is a reflection on how you see yourself. I have never had particularly high self esteem. Insecurity creeps in at any given opportunity. This has also led to me not doing much as I never believe I will do it well enough. My tolerance for learning if very low as the low competency at the start of a learning process makes me very anxious. I am far from an optimist so I am inclined to think that if I show no talent at what I am learning, I will never improve.

So for a long time, my life consisted of working, watching TV and occasionally throwing in some things that might make it look like I have a life. Most of the time I enjoy those things, especially when they have a low level of responsibility, but it's not enough and my life feels stagnant. I feel stuck in my situations, which is another thing eating away at my motivation. Why make an effort to do things if I am stuck anyway, right?

But I want to change, I have always wanted to change. If I had spent half the time I spent making to do lists actually doing stuff on those lists, I would be so productive!

So, I went to the doctor. And now I am taking antidepressants, 20mg of Citalopram a day. I am in my third week of them and my mind is not exactly blown by the effects so far. But I have heard it needs time, so time is what I shall give it.

And admittedly, I have been doing a bit more. I have started several challenges with my friend (find her in all her fabulousness at http://ethelandilearntosew.wordpress.com/), adding that necessary accountability. And it's fun! My challenges for the moment:
- The water challenge, basically drink as much water (herbal tea counts) as possible. 3 litres a day is the aim.
- The 30 day yoga challenge. This can be found on YouTube. I am on day 3.
- The outfit challenge, friend and I set ourselves and each other outfit themes twice weekly and post the photos here.
- The blog challenge. A minimum of one blog post a month. Obviously the outfit challenge will cover this but I am hoping to add another post on top of them.
- The creative challenge. This we run via Pinterest. Make something, Pin it. Updates on Sundays.
- The frugal challenge. I need to save more money. This one has no real structure yet. Just spend less money overall. I have plenty of unnecessary expenses.
- Declutter challenges. Sell/give or throw away as much as possible. Especially when buying something new. Do not let stuff acummulate.

These things give my free time a bit of structure and make me feel productive. And some of them will obviously have beneficial effects on my health.

So there it is. I have been hoping to change for a long time now, but I might just be at the start of something.

If anyone has any questions (about citalopram, or anything), please feel free to ask!

Thanks for reading!

Love List

I read a lot of blogs on how to make myself happier. Recently I came across a good one:

The Freedom Experiment

Some of the articles on the Norsewoman's blog really appealed to me. She has gone through her own share of pain and her writing hits home.

One of her articles deal with how to get back passion and inspiration. This is a big one for me. For a long time I have felt empty. Not in the mood to do much of anything. And for me, creating was a perhaps not a big emotional outlet, but something I took pride in at the very least.

And at the top of the list I receive the advice of making a love list. So here goes. Without limiting myself, I will try to write down what I love, in no particular order of priority.

1. Eating out
2. Watching the sunrise and sunset
3. Being around animals
4. A clean, tidy, decluttered house
5. A hot bath
6. Scents: essential oils, perfume, incense, you name it.
7. My husband (being with him, talking to him, sex with him...)
8. Craft beers
9. Wine
10. Food
11. Nailing a recipe
12. Amending a recipe and nailing that
13. The cruelty free lifestyle: freerange meat/eggs, non animal tested cosmetics...
14. Birdsong
15. My bed: sleeping, reading...
16. Being engrossed in a book
17. Discovering something awesome: a film, tv show, book, website...
18. Being creative: drawing, crochet, origami...etc.
19. Getting recognised for something I did well.
20. Little luxuries: nice handcreme, lipbalms, etc.
21. Massages
22. Horse riding
23. A good night out
24. The fantasy genre (also, medieval etc.)
25. A good hike
26. Beautiful art
27. Language: English in particular.
28. Watching ballet
29. A good hair day
30. An awesome gig
31. Tasty tea
32. Coke Zero
33. Middle-Earth
34. Pre Christian Cultures, folklore, mythologies...
35. Nordic culture
36. Nature: the sea, the forest...
37. Friendship and family
38. The feeling after exercise
39. The feeling after meditation


So there is a few already. I will add more!

Insert Title Here

Once again I welcome myself back to my own blog. I am actually quite amazed I have mustered up the motivation to write. Because I don't have motivation for much nowadays. My funk has been long and deep so far and to be honest, I don't know when I see myself crawling out.

Obviously I want to. Everyone wants to be happy, right? But should happy be taking this much work? Exercise, meditate, force yourself to smile...I have heard and read many tips over the last year and I wonder...why am I not just happy? I have plenty to smile about, husband, cat, steadyandnothorrible job...
Anxiety is a big part of it. Last year I started a lot and gave up a lot in the space of a few months. And now it seems I cannot start anything without self doubt crashing down immediately.

I don't know, maybe one day I will wake up and it will all be different. That seems to have happened the last time...

I have kindasorta picked up a new hobby in the form of origami. Here are some of the models I folded in the last few weeks.

It is fun to do and it does take my mind off my issues. Of course I have started looking at other people's work and I get horribly jealous of their original designs and perfect execution thereof. But maybe one day?

One final side note: new Essence nailpolish. I decided my Yule colour this year will be green. So I got this:

Pretty, right?

Right, thanks for reading to those who do. Let's get on with it!

The locals

I like to indulge in animal photography when given the opportunity and wanted to share some pictures of some of the locals.

Back to Red

Hello readers!

For autumn I decided there are a few things I want to do. One of them being going back to having red hair. And because I did not want to ruin my hair any further, I decided to dye it with henna.

Here's a nice picture of my before hair, dark blonde with highlights.

I bought a few bags of skin quality henna from Amazon and latex gloves, concentrated lemon juice and cling film in the local Tesco. I used a mixture of 200 gr henna (2 bags) and 500 ml lemon juice. I left the mixture to sit in a glass bowl under clingfilm for about 24 hours before the long suffering hubs pasted it all onto my head. This is no easy task and I would definitely hate to do it alone. The stuff dries quickly and is very claylike, not as easy to apply as other hair dyes. Once it was all on I wrapped my head in clingfilm and put a bathing cap over it. I slept in that (somewhat poorly) and the next morning the rinsing process began. I read a tip to run a bath and just lie back in it, soaking your hair until the henna rinses out easily. I did that and it worked pretty well. 

The initial results were quite orangey, as predicted. But here is the result after a couple of days of oxidising. 

I am very happy with the results and will be repeating the process once necessary. Getting used to red again was remarkably easy ^^!

Quick cosmetics review

I bought a few new bits of makeup this week. I was looking for a nice autumn colour for my nails and a way to do my eyes a bit more smoky as I love my Lavera shadows, but they are a little light for when I go out in the evening.  So first up, Essence's new shade: Red Ahead. 

This is the photo from their website. 

This is my bottle and my (badly) painted index finger beside it. 

As you can see, the website photo makes the colour look a lot lighter and in my opinion, not as nice. To me it looks like a beautiful rouge noir and I must say it with an emphasis on the noir, it comes out very dark with just one coat. I have been very happy with the Essence nail polished. Their price/quality is amazing. I always use a base coat and as long as I am patient with my application, the colour stays on well.  

Now over to my new eyeshadow. This is the first time I bought something from Swedish brand IsaDora. I went for quad palette Muddy Nudes. Not the nicest name, but I do like these kinds of colours. I mainly wanted the taupe shade in the bottom right corner to use as a liner with my Lavera shadows. 

The photo from the website in all its glory. 

With this one, the photo from the website is very accurate. These are 3 nice matte shades. The only one with a hint of shimmer is the brownish shade in the bottom left. I used Urban Decay's Primer Potion under my makeup and their Deslick setting spray over it. I was quite happy with its staying power and colour payoff. It's not particularly dark, but that is not what I wanted. It's perfect for a hint of definition. I used the taupe from the lashline to the crease as well and that was nice too. It's a lovely little palette for travelling with I would think, or for just having in your bag for whenever you need it. 

Quick shot of the look. So basically Lavera's shadow in Golden Ivory all over the lid up to the brow bone. Then Lavera's shadow in Chocolate brown from lash line to crease. Then the taupe colour from above palette used as a liner. I used Lush's Eyes Right Mascara and you will recognise the nail polish as the one above. 

So, there's 2 products I would recommend trying out if it's your kind of thing! Both cruelty free of course, otherwise they wouldn't end up with me.

Thanks for reading!

Autumn Post

I just cannot seem to get into the habit of blogging frequently. Probably something to do with not having that much of a life to blog about. Or the opposite, being too busy to write!
Either way, I have both things to blog about and the time in which to do so on this Sunday morning. And what a morning it is too. Day of the Autumn equinox, it is very sunny and forecasted to reach 22 degrees Celsius.

So before I go outside and do the obligatory sun worshipping thing, here's a few updates.

Last weekend I had family over to visit from the Netherlands in the form of my father and my sister. Our main touristy trip out was to Inis Mor, biggest of the Aran Islands. They lie on the West coast of Ireland, so we found ourselves on the edge of Europe.

Here we are now, looking straight at America!

See how lucky we got with the weather? In the right light and setting, Ireland is barely distinguishable from the Mediterranean. Here's a pic of me at the charming Moycullen market (Friday afternoons from 12-6PM) to prove it!

You wouldn't say this was a photo of me buying olive oil in Ireland, would you? 

But I digress. Back to Inis Mor. The Aran Islands are home to the Aran jumper/sweater and for that it has a lot of places to buy wool. In the later part of the year I tend to get into knitting and crocheting and lately Merino wool had had my interest. I was most certainly not disappointed. I managed to purchase 3 balls in nice neutral colours in one shop and my husband dearest bought me a 2kg bag in the main wool shop in neutral creamy white! So I can crochet up a storm. My first project is a beanie hat for my sister for winter. I can't wait until it's finished, mainly because right now it looks like a crashed flying saucer and I'm curious as to how it will turn out....

Behold the WIP!

So that is a little update on what I have been up to. Meanwhile life goes on with work, horse riding lessons and figuring out things to do. I always get excited when Halloween is around the corner but the last 2 have left me so disappointed that I'm afraid of getting invested again. Maybe a small gathering. I'm sure it will end up here regardless.

Thanks for reading!

Funny animal pic dump.

Decided to grace my blog with some of the cute and funny animals I have recently encountered.

 Arwen, our own cat, looking thoroughly freaked XD

The local petshop has meerkats. Just for show, I believe, not for sale. They're awesome. 

It's the little things.

I confess: I am a complainer. I am inclined towards focusing on the negative aspects of my life and even create some where there are none. But I have plenty to smile about. A wonderful husband, a cute cat, some creative skills, nice hobbies, a secure job... There really is no reason not to be happy. And since I am quite a visual person, I decided to start taking pictures of the little things that make life worth living. These are just from today!

The cat! Our little Arwen ^^

Hubby having fun at a medieval archery display. 

Me having fun at my horse riding class. 

This evening;'s beautiful sunset as seen from our balcony.

The view of Merlin Woods across the road.

I am truly blessed.

Thank you for reading!

Autumn is coming...

Alright, so no quite yet perhaps. It is still too warm to sleep through the night. But those nights are getting a little shorter and I am happy for it because I LOVE AUTUMN! It is my absolutely favourite season. And here is why it cannot get here soon enough:

Autumn Colours!

There is nothing like all the browns, red, yellows, and oranges that give colour to the forest. A crisp walk surrounded by those colours, that's where it's at.

                                         Cosiness!
Cuddles, blankets, jumpers, tea..the lot. It's all out comfort.

                                                    Foraging!
Okay, so I admit I have never actually done much of this. But there is definite intentions this year. At the very least for blackberries, but I'd like to go after mushrooms too. Delicious!

                                                 The Halloween Bank Holiday Weekend!
In Ireland, we have the last Monday of October off. It is when most Halloween parties take place. I love that time of year with passion as I love dressing up.

What are you looking forward to for Autumn?

Thank you for reading!