Make ALL the changes, do ALL the challenges!

Long post ahead!

A few weeks ago I finally accepted that I am not able to solve my problems on my own and saw a doctor about it.

If I was to label my problems, I guess mild depression or dysthymia would be appropriate. Basically, since about October 2012, I have been sinking. I started taking less joy in things, became less tolerant of people's mistakes and pushed them away and/or withdrew from social situations as a result, including terminating my Facebook page. I do not regret that last one as I continue to read more and more about how manipulative Facebook really is as a social media site but it has made me realise how reliant people have become on it. If you don't shove profile pictures and status updates down your 300+ friends' throats, you get forgotten about. And that is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. Forgotten, ignored, passed over. To avoid feeling like that, I withdraw, I alienate myself to give myself a sense of control. Reaching out to people to me reads as desperately begging for the attention of people who have no interest in me.  Fortunately for me, I do have support in the form of a husband and some REAL friends so I am not always the social pariah.

They say your outlook on life is a reflection on how you see yourself. I have never had particularly high self esteem. Insecurity creeps in at any given opportunity. This has also led to me not doing much as I never believe I will do it well enough. My tolerance for learning if very low as the low competency at the start of a learning process makes me very anxious. I am far from an optimist so I am inclined to think that if I show no talent at what I am learning, I will never improve.

So for a long time, my life consisted of working, watching TV and occasionally throwing in some things that might make it look like I have a life. Most of the time I enjoy those things, especially when they have a low level of responsibility, but it's not enough and my life feels stagnant. I feel stuck in my situations, which is another thing eating away at my motivation. Why make an effort to do things if I am stuck anyway, right?

But I want to change, I have always wanted to change. If I had spent half the time I spent making to do lists actually doing stuff on those lists, I would be so productive!

So, I went to the doctor. And now I am taking antidepressants, 20mg of Citalopram a day. I am in my third week of them and my mind is not exactly blown by the effects so far. But I have heard it needs time, so time is what I shall give it.

And admittedly, I have been doing a bit more. I have started several challenges with my friend (find her in all her fabulousness at http://ethelandilearntosew.wordpress.com/), adding that necessary accountability. And it's fun! My challenges for the moment:
- The water challenge, basically drink as much water (herbal tea counts) as possible. 3 litres a day is the aim.
- The 30 day yoga challenge. This can be found on YouTube. I am on day 3.
- The outfit challenge, friend and I set ourselves and each other outfit themes twice weekly and post the photos here.
- The blog challenge. A minimum of one blog post a month. Obviously the outfit challenge will cover this but I am hoping to add another post on top of them.
- The creative challenge. This we run via Pinterest. Make something, Pin it. Updates on Sundays.
- The frugal challenge. I need to save more money. This one has no real structure yet. Just spend less money overall. I have plenty of unnecessary expenses.
- Declutter challenges. Sell/give or throw away as much as possible. Especially when buying something new. Do not let stuff acummulate.

These things give my free time a bit of structure and make me feel productive. And some of them will obviously have beneficial effects on my health.

So there it is. I have been hoping to change for a long time now, but I might just be at the start of something.

If anyone has any questions (about citalopram, or anything), please feel free to ask!

Thanks for reading!

Life Update

It is Friday afternoon and two hours ago I finished my first working week in over five months. As blogs are so public I will not go into what I do where, it's more to let my readers know my change in situation. I'm glad of it. It is nice to have an income again that I earned myself, rather than have one handed to me by the government. It also adds a structure to my life that I believe will force me to make more effective choices in my free time.

The drawback is that since last night, my back is once again very sore, and I must presume that all the longterm sitting at work is responsible for this. I contacted an osteopath I have seen before but due to a history with a herniated disc, he does not feel confident that whatever he can do will have a positive effect. And I would so love to get my back sorted out so I can do everything from sitting at work to an active day outdoors without having to worry when my pain is going to ruin my concentration or my fun.

Another effect of being back at work is that it really makes me think about the future. When I was on my own for most of the time, I did my own thing whenever I wanted, which allowed for much more living in the moment. Now I see people around me from all walks of life and it makes me thing about what I can do and what I want to do. I am very insecure: if I hear of one person failing at something I have not done before, I become convinced that I too will fail. It's a very irrational thought because although I have certainly failed where others have succeeded, I have more often succeeded where many have failed. I passed my driving test the first time, got my degree in the three years that are in it, roasted a perfect Turkey last Christmas and have many other achievements and talents under my belt. My husband says I can do anything I put my mind to and he may not be 100% right but when I really apply myself, I do not tend to fail. I also have to believe that when I do my best and I fail, the situation was not right for me, rather than me not being right for it. As Einstein said: "Everybody is a genius but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree it will spend its entire life thinking it is stupid". And I am still searching for that perfect fit, that water to my fish. Currently I am considering graphic design as I hope it could provide me with a career that combines the stability of working for a company with the creative outlet of art and design. I also like the idea of publishing: I love to edit, in fact I can't help but edit when I see a grammar or spelling error. Perhaps technical writing or translations (being bilingual helps here) are options to consider. Other things I love are art, animals and products. Hopefully the situation will present itself when I am ready. For now I can develop myself in my current job. I would just like to work toward something.

But the next best thing is looking forward toward something! This week my husband and I booked a B&B in Bath, a place we have been before, but this time will be different. Instead of flying, which I hate, we will be taking the car across the Irish sea by ferry which will provide us with unlimited freedom in what we want to see! Glastonbury town, Exmoor and Exmoor Zoo, the Cotswolds and many other sights are on the cards. There is something about the area of the UK I just love so I am convinced it is going to be fantastic.

  Our holiday is not until October though so there is a lot of time to fill in Ireland! There are a few festival I want to attend around the country and I'd really like to be a bit more social. My unemployment made me something of a hermit and made me intolerant towards people but being part of a team again has made me realise that I can enjoy the company of people and people enjoy my ocmpany in turn. I just need a bit of a push.

I expect that from next week I will want to go out and be seen and smelled because I have a Lush Cosmetics order on the way, courtesy of my dear husband! It includes mascara, lip colour, a shower gelly, and two bath items AND a bottle of shower gel for the mister himself. All the items I am getting will be my first time using them, so I will definitely review them here as part of my cruelty free lifestyle.

The last thing I want to talk about it my art. Spring has sprung in Ireland and I am feeling heavily inspired by bird song and flowers. I am thinking a brightly coloured Art Nouveau or stained glass style piece with snowdrops and long tailed tits.

But for now I am going to give myself a much needed manicure with a neutral polish by Elysambre. Hopefully I will update again soon with some images.

Thanks for reading!
Dutchess