On wanting and quitting...

A few months ago, I was due to have a life coaching session with Marthe Hagen, from www.thefreedomexperiment.com. I ended up cancelling the session for reasons I will not go into here (suffice to say that my trust and control issues got the better of me and that I really shouldn't pay for things in advance anymore as it gives me horrible anxiety). But I still get noticed in my inbox when she uploads a new post, and today I read The Art of Longing is the Art of Asking: What do I really want?

My favourite part from this post is this:

 I want to challenge the underlying belief that impulsive wants are not real wants and that short-lived dreams are not real dreams. And at the same time, the belief is very often that not finishing something is bad, bad, bad! Because we need to accomplish, accomplish, accomplish!

Again, this is not so true, is it?

In my experience, if we can free ourselves from these hard beliefs about ourselves and the world, we – the impulsive and multi-passionate – can live more rewarding lives. Remember, living passionately isn’t about achieving and finishing, it’s about the process of feeling and being passionate. And if you can live in your passion by jumping from interest to interest, dream to dream, goal to goal – without judging yourself for it – well, then you can live a very passionate life indeed.

I am a self confessed quitter. And not of smoking, drinking of binge watching Netflix. No, I quit pieces of art and craft work once the novelty wears off or it turns out my creative talent do not live up to my imagination. I also have a magic 3 class threshold, where I may sign up and pay in advance for a 10 week course of something (yoga, for example) and after 3 classes, my interest plummets and I don't want to go anymore. I know this about myself, yet I still have not foregone signing up for this type of class format occasionally. Often it is the only format available if I want to do anything at all.

And I shame and guilt myself into oblivion for what I consider this personality flaw. In the above passage, Marthe challenges the belief that there is something wrong with me because my motivations and passions do not stick.

I still love the idea of a finished project. But maybe I should re-evaluate what finished actually means. There is nothing wrong with a bit of discipline and follow through, if others are counting on me especially, but life is too short to torture ourselves with doing things we do not want to do anymore. As they often say when people pass away: celebrate their life, rather than mourn their death. I am going to try and celebrate that I had any inspiration and motivation at all instead of mourning when it goes away. Maybe in embracing my restlessness and lack of focus, I will find rest and focus.

Marthe reminded me to be pleased with who I am. And I am grateful for that. Quitter and proud!

Thank you for reading!

Bucket List

Now, I am not dying as far as I know. But recently I have felt a bit downtrodden about the fact that I feel very little passion about anything. I have plenty of interests: art, animals and their rights, spirituality, fantasy and many other things. But I don't feel that spark, that utter fulfilment from carrying out a certain activity. I don't have that feeling that I must do something and often my laziness, short attention span and lack of motivation take over. But I promised myself 2013 would be a good year so I decided that rather than looking for that one passion that is supposed to fulfil me until my dying day, I'd make a list of things I would - at some point in time - like to achieve. It is a focal point for my life and I hope adding to it will keep me enthusiastic, motivated and hopefully passionate about my life itself. I will be 27 in June and I may make highlight certain things on the list that I'd like to achieve before I reach 30. So here it is so far:

Have an exhibition of my artwork

Have art published in an annual

Have a year where I have grown all my own vegetables

Rear my own meat

Go trekking around new Zealand

Win a competition

Go on an overnight horse trek/ donkey or pony hike

Read a book in one sitting

Live outside of a city

Have a job in a creative field

Have a successful blog

Keep a journal for a whole year

Design and make a perfect item of clothing

Find my true style

Have a job working with animals

Give an Ignite Talk

 Play at least 5 whole songs/tracks on the guitar reasonably well.

Riding a dog sled

I will be updating and adding to this as I go along. I feel good about it!